I don't have much patience or tolerance for people who judge others, which is a crazy thing to say because we all judge. I judge others, even though I know I shouldn't. There is a whole list of reasons not to judge, the number one reason being you don't know a person's situation or circumstances. Until you know what they are going through, don't judge them. I try to remind myself of this. I really get irritated when people say or do something to someone else who is going through a hard time and no one knows about it. It's the stereotypical story: someone who is bullied or the target of something is fighting a secret battle, and later when people find out about it they feel bad for how they treated the person. It's trite and it's overdone. And yet there is a reason why stories like this happen over and over again. People feel the need to open their big fat mouths when it isn't necessary. Yesterday was another reminder of this.
Here is a little background information, which for most might border on being too much information. It's something I never thought I'd be sharing on my blog. I didn't imagine sharing this information with my aunts this way. But I feel it is time.
As we all know, I was born with a congenital heart defect, and although it has been repaired, there are still lasting effects and things I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. But hey, I'm alive, so I'll deal with the effects and call it a fair trade. The first time I had an MRI done of my heart (about five years ago), the cardiologist had said something which struck me when she was talking about the results of my MRI. She told me based on what she saw she would okay me having a baby at that point in time. I found this a little odd... but that may have been because I was in my early 20s, single, and wasn't considering children. I logged that statement away. I brought it up later to my cardiologist in Montana (whom I have known since birth) explained I was a little mystified by the statement. Why would my heart or valve matter with kids? My cardiologist explained the increase in the amount of blood volume a woman has when she is pregnant puts extra stress on everything, but especially on the heart. Since my heart is already fighting a harder battle, well, extra stress and work isn't necessarily a good thing. Additionally, if I haven't had my valve replaced yet, well, it would be a bad situation for me to get pregnant as a "surprise" and then realize my valve isn't up to making it through the pregnancy. Then we'd face a lot of tough choices, such as do we attempt to operate while you're pregnant? A whole mess of things to be avoided if possible. My cardiologist gently explained that though he would never tell me I couldn't have kids, that I should accept the idea that I might not be able to physically have them. It's wasn't the best idea and it wasn't recommended (this idea was confirmed last year by two other cardiologists). Again, I was in my early 20s, not thinking about children... so this wasn't quite the blow it could have been. I should also add here that I have never been that person who dreamed of having kids. I just... haven't. I can't explain it. Some women dream of their wedding day and building a family... I dreamed of building the Kirsten empire. To each his own.
Fast forward to closer to the present... From the very beginning I was honest and upfront with Josh. He knew about my heart from childhood, but I explained that because of my heart I was advised not to have kids, which I was okay with since I wasn't 100% sold on kids anyway. Josh not only understood, but he agreed. We got married with the understanding there would be no children, and if the urge for children ever arose we would adopt. Period. Some people will never understand this, and that is fine. You don't have to understand. It is my life and my choice.
I have found being a person in their late 20s who is married with a career makes people question why you don't have children. Never mind the fact it is nobody's damn business. I would guess at least five or six times a day I have the following conversation:
Patient: "Do you have any children?"
Me: "Nope, just furry, four-legged cat children."
Patient: "Oh yes, well for now, but in the future..."
There really isn't a response to that. For now? In the future? Who said I wasn't happy with the way things are in my life right now? And what makes you think I would ever discuss my reproductive plans with you? What makes it your business? Just leave well enough alone. Some people don't have kids. That is okay. That is acceptable. Although this makes me sound like I'm constantly irritated by this question, I'm not. I only get irritated when people are pushy or cruel about it. Yesterday was a day for cruel.
I had a patient whom I have seen multiple times before. I guess part of me is still confused by this whole situation because I have seen this patient before, so I thought the question about kids would have come up before now. I guess it had not. The patient asked if I had children. I gave my usual response... and she launched into a speech about how it was my job to "be fruitful and multiply" and I need to work on building a family unit... and "being in a childless marriage is a sin." Wow. Just wow. I had a moment where my temper flared and I really wanted to chew her out. Instead I took a breath, remembered that I wanted to keep my job, and replied, "Hmmm. I don't remember learning about that sin, but I think we're talking about two different Gods anyway." She didn't say anything after that. I didn't either. I was in shock that someone would have the gal to say something like that.
Why on earth would someone think that was acceptable to say? What made it her business? The thing which continues to bother me is this woman did not hesitate to say something incredibly cruel and rude in a professional environment to a person who was doing a service for her. Obviously she didn't think what she said was wrong. She did not hesitate to spew her horrible, judgmental crap. I could have easily "put her in her place" by giving her some speech about how I couldn't have children because of a heart condition. I could have really worked to make her feel like the asshole she is. But I didn't. This is what bothers me. Why would one person try to hurt someone else, and when I have the opportunity I don't? By all means I think she deserved to get her ass chewed. But I didn't do it. Part of me wonders if I had laid into her if it would have made a difference? Would it effect her enough to keep her from judging the next person? Would she keep her unwelcome comments to herself with the next person? Could I have helped another person avoid this situation? I don't know. I am proud of myself for keeping my composure, for attempting to remain as professional as possible under the circumstances. Despite my questioning of my actions, I am proud I didn't stoop to her level.
The world is a wonderful, beautiful place. It just happens to have a few ugly people in it. So please, don't be part of the ugly. Think before you speak. Attempt to see the best in every person, every situation. Remember there is a lot you don't know. For me, I am going to try my best to stop judging others. I don't want to make anyone feel the way that woman made me feel yesterday.
However. I realize what I've written may make some people react and say more terrible, unwanted things. So I will continue to prepare myself for a whole lot of ugly coming from the never ending parade of stupid.
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