The panic sets in

I was thankful, when I arrived home, of the wonderful friends I have made in Germany. They are few (being honest with myself) but they are true, loyal friends. I'd rather have quality than quantity. Josh had originally thought he would be able to get off work to come and get me from the airport. However, he had some unexpected training. I told him I would take the train from the airport and asked him to have a friend of mine pick me up at the train station. Josh arranged everything (since I had no American cell phone with me and relied on him calling my parent's or brother's phones while I was there) and we had a plan in place... that was until I went a little crazy shopping and had two full suitcases to bring back to Germany with me. As my brother and I struggled to lug my suitcases from his house, to the car, and inside the airport... I envisioned myself having to lug these suitcases down stairs to the train tracks, then lift them up on the train... then lug them down and back up stairs to change trains... and I realized my plan of taking the train home from the airport really wasn't a possibility. It was a bad plan. And, it's slightly embarrassing to realize the reason WHY it is a bad plan. Before I crossed over into security, I call my dad in a panic asking him to call Josh and inform him there was no way I could take the train... and I needed him to figure out something else. My last instructions were to have Josh text me what I was suppose to do (because I had my German cell phone turned off in my carry on). My flights (from Missoula, to Minneapolis, to Detroit, to Frankfurt - tracing the steps back the way I had come) were uneventful. I landed in Frankfurt tired, and ready to be home. My excitement of getting back home was short lived... My cell phone wouldn't turn on. Although it was fully charged when I left, there wasn't much battery life left when I landed. I spent my time waiting in the customs line wondering what I was suppose to do. I carry a card with me which has Josh's work and cell phone numbers as well as our home address. I figured I would buy a calling card and try to call him... and hope I got a hold of him. As I gathered up my bags and started to look for a place to buy a phone card, panic was starting to set in. What if I couldn't get a hold of Josh? What was I going to do? As I was scanning the different stores in the airport, I noticed someone walking towards me. There was Jimmy, my second husband, grinning at me. Someone had come to take me home! I had never been so relieved.

I'm not sure why I thought it would be a good idea to work right away when I got home... it wasn't a good idea. But, good idea or not, I went back to work on Thursday and worked the whole weekend. I came home on Saturday to work on a paper which was due. I have homework to work on (and homework to get ahead on - Josh and I are leaving on vacation soon and I have to post my homework before we leave), our house is a mess, and there is a giant mountain of laundry. Somehow in the 10 days I was gone, Josh did nothing domestically. I'm not sure if it's simply that he was a bachelor for 12 years before we got married... or if he is just a lazy male. Or both. Either way... I went to bed Saturday night feeling exhausted but wishing I had more energy to get more done. I spent most of today feeling that way too... I want so badly to just have a bit of time to relax... but I felt there was so much staring at me, so much work to do... needless to say I have felt more panicked and anxious than relaxed. Or productive. And knowing I am working a full week is not making it any easier. I have though to myself, more than once this weekend, why did I think going back to school was a good idea? Why can't I be satisfied with what I have, or just being "average"? Sigh. And so starts another week.