Conflicted

One of my biggest worries about coming over to Germany would be that something bad would happen while I was away. There are a lot of things which can fall under the category of "bad." One of the "bad" things I have worried about (because it seems to be the most likely to happen) is one of my grandparents passing away. I only have one grandma and one grandpa left (my dad's mom and my mom's dad). My grandma is considerably less healthy and more "fragile" than my grandpa, so I have worried about her health more. And... I was right.

Last week my grandma went into the hospital with an infection and having fluid around her lungs (of an unknown cause). They quickly discovered the cause of the fluid was a worn out heart valve. Apparently they had advised my grandma to have her valve replaced years ago and she chose not to. Now that valve is completely worn out and it is causing her heart to not function well and it's causing fluid to gather around her lungs. At first there was talk of my grandma having surgery to replace this valve. As of last night we were told by her doctors that the risk of her having a stroke or other serious complications with surgery are too high. She is simply not strong or healthy enough to have surgery. After a few more days in the hospital my grandma will be moved to hospice and the doctors said she probably has about a month left. I really wasn't thinking I would have to face something like this so soon in my time here.

I feel very torn. I'm not sure what I should do. I don't do well with hospital, ill health, say goodbye type situations. Usually when these situations come up I avoid them or I don't go. If I were still living in Montana and was within easy driving distance I'm not sure if I would go to see her one last time. I want to have my memory of my grandma to be preserved as it is now. I do not want the image of her being sick in a hospital setting to cloud any of the memories I have. I did the same thing with my other grandma. I got the call multiple times over the years that I'd better go to say my good-bye... and I never did. I couldn't. I don't want my good-bye to be that way. I will say good-bye in my own way, on my own terms. And I think my grandma understood that. I would hope this grandma would understand that as well. However... if I don't go now, I probably will never see her again. I keep thinking is it selfish of me for not wanting to go? Do I go now to say a goodbye? Or do I wait to be there to support my family at a funeral? Or... do I just not go at all?

My mom had said to me that no one would expect me to travel that far. And... yes it would be a very long trip and a lot to travel. I've started looking into my options. I could try to get an emergency last minute ticket with commercial airlines. It has the possibility of being ridiculously expensive... but I would have a set departure and return date/time. I could also take a military hop, which would be very very cheap (practically free)... but with that I don't exactly have set in stone travel dates and times. This is something that would be hard for me being the control freak that I am. However, I've learned that if I am traveling under "emergency leave" for a family emergency/death that I get put to the front of the line for getting a space available spot on a plane. So it could be possible for me to get to the states cheaply.

Then there is work. I am conflicted about what to do with that. I know that work is just work... it is just a job... and really they would understand. I know that. However... right now beings that it is the holiday and our office is a bit short-handed with hygienists... well, I'm just working a bit extra to make it possible for other people to spend time with their kids/families for the holidays. I'm just really worried that me taking time off in the middle of this would really mess up other people's plans when I've agreed to help them out... or I'm afraid that me needing time off around the 1st of the year will create problems.... Which are all stupid fears that I shouldn't even worry about... but I don't like to let other people down or inconvenience them.

I really don't know what to do. Do I go home now? Do I go home after the fact for a funeral? Do I go home at all?  I don't know what I should do, or what I want to do. It's also something I can't plan for... which makes everything that much harder.