Struggles with Writing

I like to write - obviously since I keep a blog. I like to think, at times, I am decent at it. The thoughts in my head typically aren't all that special, or eloquent, but somehow I manage to get those thoughts out in a mostly organized somewhat intelligent way. One might say this is from getting a college education, but I'd rather give the credit to my English teach from junior year of high school. But despite my enjoyment of writing and ability to do so, I have spent the past week doing nothing for my Statement of Purpose essay for grad school. I mean to. I try. I open up the word document labeled "Statement of Purpose" and then stare at the screen. No ideas come to mind. No words flow from my brain to my fingers to the keys. I sit and stare... and eventually turn to online shopping. The same word document has been opened countless times with no changes made to it. It's not that I am not capable of writing such an essay. I know I am. I am just not sure how to start. Where to start.

I am not good at talking about myself. Yes, you can laugh at this because I'm making that statement on a personal blog where all I do is talk about myself. But. To write about my professional goals, strengths, and weaknesses is very different than telling a sassy story about attempting to decorate my house with my unwilling husband. To somehow explain in a formal essay to a college admissions board why I should be admitted to a program without sounding trite is... well... I don't know if there is any approach to take which hasn't been done before. I've even gone so far as to make a list of my strengths and weaknesses thinking it would help my ideas to flow. Thus far, my list looks as follows:

Weakness: perfectionist, low confidence, sets too high of standards for partners/co-workers, control freak, unable to delegate, I show my stress

Strengths: I'm an amazing bullshitter. I like to party. I'm a girl who drinks micro-brews.

Clearly... my strengths list doesn't look exactly like that. But this is where I'm struggling. It's not that I don't think I have strengths. I know I do. However, I feel as if everyone's strength list includes multitasking, time management, ability to work with others, ect. ect. Who wouldn't say those things? Honestly. Who's going to tell the admissions board they are unable to function without an overwhelming amount of caffeine, or they can't balance their time or checkbook? I just feel that everything I've written so far is bullshit. It is me typing out trite garble which has been done so many times before. I am not writing about me... I'm writing what I think someone wants to hear. Which... isn't right. And it isn't going to get me into grad school.

I know what I should write - what I need to write - in my essay. It is the same question I had to ask myself when I thought of applying to school. It's not if I can, but if I have the courage. Do I have the courage to compose an essay explaining how I lead to the path of being a "health educator" for perfect strangers?

I find I am having a similar struggle in making friends. I really haven't had a lot of opportunity to meet people to make friends. When I do meet people, it takes a while to get to know each other (on both sides of the equation) and see what you have in common, if I'd want to be friends with this person. I'd like to think by this point in my life I've gotten used to meeting new people and making new friends. Making new friends is similar to dating. You meet someone, and you have to "click" and "have chemistry." Then you have an awkward first date - I like to call it the first friend date. If the first date goes well, you make have subsequent "dates" as you get to know one another and get comfortable with each other. Finally, once you have reached this level of comfort you are officially friends and are free to do things such as borrow things, ask for favors, burp, fart, ect.  By this point the friends realize what is special and unique in each other, and they treasure the friendship. I have many friends who I treasure, and they have some unique gifts I value. For example, my best friend Jen has an uncanny ability to read people (she's right almost 100% of the time) and she is able to "click" with people very quickly. My friend Kirsten is well spoken, and easily one of the best writers I know. My cousin Noelle is naturally beautiful, however she always looks fantastic because of how she puts herself together. My friend Brandy is an amazing cook, and hands-down the best hostess. I could make this list go on and on... but the point is everyone has many special things that others see in them. Things which make them awesome. I just wish that I was able to let people know right off hand that I'm awesome. "Hey, I'm awesome. We can by-pass the awkward beginning stages of friendship." "Dear admissions board: Go ahead and let me in cause hey, I'm awesome." It would help me get past the essay.

I am "encouraged" by UA to post "supporting documents" online to go along with my application and statement of purpose. Examples they use are your resume or professional portfolio. I am considering posting a professional portfolio which would consist only of my business card: "Kirsten Loberg Lehman. I. Kick. Ass"